It’s funny how normally polite and even-tempered people can become crazy when parking their cars. The same person that will hold the door for you and say a pleasant “Have a nice day!” when passing on the sidewalk will honk, scream, and make obscene gestures if he thinks you stole his parking place. There’s just something about being in a two-ton cage of metal that makes people crazy.
We have a good car and a beater. When I drive the good car, I’m a “Park away from the crowd” kind of guy. A couple of empty spaces around me is my preference, that or give me an end spot and I’ll edge as far away from the next car so they can’t door ding my car. When I’m driving the beater, anything goes, wherever the closest spot is. It’s kind of liberating to drive the beater, I say that I don’t care about it, until the day l I saw a truck scrape my bumper trying to get into a space that was way too small for him. Then you would have thought the car was my baby. I never did get that scratch fixed.
When I was in college (way back in the 80s), I lived in an apartment complex that never had enough parking. I was definitely driving a beater at the time, as was my best friend. We pulled in to the lot to see a new Camaro parked straddling the line, taking up two spaces. After a quick assessment, we determined that we could squeeze our small cars in on each side of the Camaro, leaving about 3 inches of clearance on each side of it. We were careful to never touch the car, but we certainly didn’t leave him room to open his doors. Later on, we heard a bit of a commotion as the Camaro owner tried to leave. We watched him crawl through the rear hatch and wiggle into the driver’s seat to leave. The next day, the Camaro was parked properly, and about a week later we met the owner and all had a good laugh about it. Now I’d be afraid I’d get shot pulling a stunt like that!
You used to be able to buy a pad of fake parking tickets from the back of Mad magazine. They looked official enough, starting off with an official looking violation code for taking two spaces or parking poorly. Then as a person read on they found that their punishment was that the fleas of a thousand camels should infest their armpits. I never bought one of these pads, but was tempted a few times, and I’m sure I would have used them had I owned a pad.
I’ve gotten a few stupid tickets in my day too. Parking facing the wrong way on the street. I don’t remember why I parked that way, just did, and left the car there for several days. Parking too far away from the curb. I was parked between two trucks at the curb, and my car was well inside their profiles, but apparently the parking authority had a ruler. My rear tire was beyond 12” from the curb. In Indianapolis about 10 years ago, that was a $20 fine. When I was about 16 I got a warning for doing donuts in an iced-over parking lot. The officer was actually pretty cool about it, saying he knew nobody was in the lot, but I could have hit a light pole and that would have been a mess.
Now my oldest son is driving so I’m teaching him how to assess a parking lot, who to park next to and who to look out for and to make sure that he’s parked properly, between the lines. I hope he doesn’t do the stupid things I did, but I guess everyone has to grow up. And if he parks poorly, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.
Jim Peters
Project Manager, T2 Systems, Inc.